Trigger warning for suicide.
When I was younger it was encouraged amongst the bad church/religious school by students, teachers, religious leaders, etc to try to make me ‘normal.’ It didn’t matter if it harmed me, emotionally or physically, and it was another one of those things I was supposed to be grateful for. God doesn’t like freaks they said.
There was a point where things changed from I needed to be turned normal to where I needed to be gone. One day I did something bad; and it wasn’t just bad, it was unforgivably evil. I read a banned book. Though actually, it hadn’t been banned yet nor did anyone know about it at the time. I had a hard time seeing the errors in my ways since it hadn’t been banned yet so in my eyes I hadn’t broken any rules. Also now that I had done something that was banned I was having a hard time seeing what was wrong with it which was making me rethink other banned things. It was then that the church/school decided I was their and God’s enemy and I deserved to be treated like one.
It got to the point to where it was so bad between me and the school that I had pulled out in the middle of highschool to be homeschooled. At first I thought it was because my parents had seen the effect it was having on me but it really turned out to be I was too much of an embarrassment and burden. Leaving the school wasn’t any form of escape. I still had to go to church there 3+ times a week and the church still had a strong hold of me with other aspects of my life as well.
One of the many things that they, along with two other big religious sources in my life, did was put into my head that I needed to commit suicide. I was convinced I needed to kill myself to make God happy and that I owed it to him. Tried; and failed (obviously). Most days I would go to do it then chicken out at the last possible second out of fear. I felt unforgivably selfish for not being able to do it. I believed God wanted me in hell and that my existence pained and infuriated him. My failures and fears just made me wanted to kill myself more. This was amped up by the 3+ church visits a week and the things they would constantly say and do to me. I believed myself to be unforgivably horrible and selfish for being afraid of burning forever.
But, of course, during the time period where this was at it’s height and it took every fiber in me just to get out of bed (which is why I’m behind in school and late to graduating) I wasn’t being depressed. No, I was being a horrible, evil, lazy teenager. No one cares when you’re evil.
Even though I no longer consider myself a Christian, I would be lying if I said that these feelings disappeared with the religious label. But now-a-days I find great amusement in the fact that my existence and being happy about who I am is the biggest ‘TAKE THAT!’s I could give them. It’s a great amusement indeed.