I was born–or “breed” as they called it–into Fundamentalist Christianity. Being the third generation to a controlling church, my whole life was mapped out at a very young age. I was a puppet to religion, my puppeteers being mean, narrow-minded individuals claiming their actions in the name of God. They controled every aspect of my life. I had to do what they told me to do, think what they told me to think, say what they told me to say, believe what they told me to believe, etc. I wasn’t allowed to think for myself nor trust myself for whatever reason. I was only allowed to trust that particular church and God. So I did. I was a very good puppet. In the end I got betrayed, stabbed in the back, and hung out to dry for the whole world to see by religion. It destroyed me.
Being destroyed turned out to be a beneifical thing for me. From the rubble I’ve been rebuilding myself. *I’ve* been rebuilding myself. Not that church. Not mean people doing mean things in the name of religion. I have. I’ve been building the real me that that church had forced me to hide away my whole life calling it ‘evil.’ I like being me. The real me is much more easier to live with. He’s a lot more fun too.
Just because I’ve been rebuilding myself doesn’t mean that church and it’s presence are no longer in my life. They still hurt me and try to control me on a regular basis. I’m just not going to let them win again.
One of the many things that church has left me with is a near constant state of being paranoid. I almost feel as if I’ve almost been stalked by that church my whole life. When I was a kid I would terrifyingly check my closet and outside my window for them every night. Today, I can’t go out in public without dodging and hiding about all out of fear of them following me. I very often have a hard time posting things on the internet out of fear that they’ll find me (this blog post for instance, is turning out to be incredibly difficult just to type out a rough draft of it in fear that they’ll find me).
These fears aren’t fears without explanation. It wasn’t beside them to come to our house and breeze through stuff to make sure we were following the rules and not doing anything ‘bad.’ If you were spotted in public they would watch and follow you to make sure ‘you were keeping a Christian testimony’.
My biggest fear is being found on the internet. When I went to the religious school the church run it was a huge ‘sin’ to have a Myspace (it’s the twelfth commandment, donchaknow). The youth pastor was very determined to seek, destroy, and invade Myspaces. He recruited one of his inner circle to ‘friend’ everyone from the church/school who secretly had a Myspace. The youth pastor then entered that Myspace to read and spy on comments and such between people, keeping notes and tabs the whole time. He would then secretly call the user’s parents. The youth pastor would then make the user show him and their parents the Myspace and ‘give an account’ of everything that was on there. He vigorously searched the web for all of us elsewhere too. Anything he found he would make copies of and keep a copy for himself and then secretly send another copy to the parents. The parents would then have to sign it saying they’ve seen it then send it back to him. The internet was closely monitored for any sign of us. Anything we put on the internet was spied and reported on. Absolutely nothing was private (nothing ever was, heh). Even though the youth pastor moved not too long ago I’m sure this monitoring wouldn’t stop with him.
This, along with them repetitively going through my private things such as clothes, books, journals, etc was part of what lead to my destruction. I’m still spied on and interrogated on a regular basis.
Whatever. They can do what they want, for now. Soon I’ll be out and they’ll learn I’m no one’s puppet. They can just kiss my ass then.