The will of god

One of the tools of manipulation that the religiously mean people I’ve known enjoy using is the proclaiming of the supposive “Will of God”. For them, what they claim to be the ‘Will of God’ is law. Doing anything other than what they said was the ‘Will of God’ was against god and abominable. For instance, they claimed that it was the ‘Will of God’ for people only to listen to religious and gospel music; doing anything other than that was considered a terrible, horrible act (which is why I’m so behind in the world of music).

They were the interperters of the ‘Will of God’, they claimed; therefore, their word was law. Going against what they said meant going against god. The image of god that they had made was not a god of love and kindess, but rather of hate, anger, and rage. Truly terrerifying. So with the religious leaders’ will being ‘God’s Will’ and going against them meant going against this god, doing anything but what they said was a very scary thing to do.

One of their rules was it was absolutely forbidden to go to a movie theater. Just going into one and not seeing a movie was a horrible crime. When the movie Monsters Inc came out my family had decided to go and see it because it came out near a family member’s brithday who loved Pixar movies. What should have been a fun experience was a horrible one for me. I spent the whole movie ducked down and hiding between the seats shaking and crying because I thought god was going to strike me dead and torture me for being in the theater.

I don’t neccassarily bash the idea of there being a “Will of God”. If one feels lead by their diety or a higher calling to do something then it should be their choice on whether they choose to act upon it or not. But I also think it should be that: their choice.

The people that supposively interupted and enforced the “Will of God” had it as sort of a checklist of the things one was supposed to do in life. They had my life planned out to the last detail. They said it was the “Will of God” that I follow this plan. They said the same thing about all their weird rules too. Their “Will of God” wasn’t divine revulation; it was a trap to keep you in that lifestyle.

I think if there were such thing as a “Will of God” it would be something like to be happy or don’t hurt each other, not weird rules and having a group of people control your life in the name of religion.

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They are ever so nice…not.

Trigger warning for suicide.

 

When I was younger it was encouraged amongst the bad church/religious school by students, teachers, religious leaders, etc to try to make me ‘normal.’ It didn’t matter if it harmed me, emotionally or physically, and it was another one of those things I was supposed to be grateful for. God doesn’t like freaks they said.

There was a point where things changed from I needed to be turned normal to where I needed to be gone. One day I did something bad; and it wasn’t just bad, it was unforgivably evil. I read a banned book. Though actually, it hadn’t been banned yet nor did anyone know about it at the time. I had a hard time seeing the errors in my ways since it hadn’t been banned yet so in my eyes I hadn’t broken any rules. Also now that I had done something that was banned I was having a hard time seeing what was wrong with it which was making me rethink other banned things. It was then that the church/school decided I was their and God’s enemy and I deserved to be treated like one.

It got to the point to where it was so bad between me and the school that I had pulled out in the middle of highschool to be homeschooled. At first I thought it was because my parents had seen the effect it was having on me but it really turned out to be I was too much of an embarrassment and burden. Leaving the school wasn’t any form of escape. I still had to go to church there 3+ times a week and the church still had a strong hold of me with other aspects of my life as well.

One of the many things that they, along with two other big religious sources in my life, did was put into my head that I needed to commit suicide. I was convinced I needed to kill myself to make God happy and that I owed it to him. Tried; and failed (obviously). Most days I would go to do it then chicken out at the last possible second out of fear. I felt unforgivably selfish for not being able to do it. I believed God wanted me in hell and that my existence pained and infuriated him. My failures and fears just made me wanted to kill myself more. This was amped up by the 3+ church visits a week and the things they would constantly say and do to me. I believed myself to be unforgivably horrible and selfish for being afraid of burning forever.

But, of course, during the time period where this was at it’s height and it took every fiber in me just to get out of bed (which is why I’m behind in school and late to graduating) I wasn’t being depressed. No, I was being a horrible, evil, lazy teenager. No one cares when you’re evil.

Even though I no longer consider myself a Christian, I would be lying if I said that these feelings disappeared with the religious label. But now-a-days I find great amusement in the fact that my existence and being happy about who I am is the biggest ‘TAKE THAT!’s I could give them. It’s a great amusement indeed.

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I am no one’s puppet

I was born–or “breed” as they called it–into Fundamentalist Christianity. Being the third generation to a controlling church, my whole life was mapped out at a very young age. I was a puppet to religion, my puppeteers being mean, narrow-minded individuals claiming their actions in the name of God. They controled every aspect of my life. I had to do what they told me to do, think what they told me to think, say what they told me to say, believe what they told me to believe, etc. I wasn’t allowed to think for myself nor trust myself for whatever reason. I was only allowed to trust that particular church and God. So I did. I was a very good puppet. In the end I got betrayed, stabbed in the back, and hung out to dry for the whole world to see by religion. It destroyed me.

Being destroyed turned out to be a beneifical thing for me. From the rubble I’ve been rebuilding myself. *I’ve* been rebuilding myself. Not that church. Not mean people doing mean things in the name of religion. I have. I’ve been building the real me that that church had forced me to hide away my whole life calling it ‘evil.’ I like being me. The real me is much more easier to live with. He’s a lot more fun too.

Just because I’ve been rebuilding myself doesn’t mean that church and it’s presence are no longer in my life. They still hurt me and try to control me on a regular basis. I’m just not going to let them win again.

One of the many things that church has left me with is a near constant state of being paranoid. I almost feel as if I’ve almost been stalked by that church my whole life. When I was a kid I would terrifyingly check my closet and outside my window for them every night. Today, I can’t go out in public without dodging and hiding about all out of fear of them following me. I very often have a hard time posting things on the internet out of fear that they’ll find me (this blog post for instance, is turning out to be incredibly difficult just to type out a rough draft of it in fear that they’ll find me).

These fears aren’t fears without explanation. It wasn’t beside them to come to our house and breeze through stuff to make sure we were following the rules and not doing anything ‘bad.’ If you were spotted in public they would watch and follow you to make sure ‘you were keeping a Christian testimony’.

My biggest fear is being found on the internet. When I went to the religious school the church run it was a huge ‘sin’ to have a Myspace (it’s the twelfth commandment, donchaknow). The youth pastor was very determined to seek, destroy, and invade Myspaces. He recruited one of his inner circle to ‘friend’ everyone from the church/school who secretly had a Myspace. The youth pastor then entered that Myspace to read and spy on comments and such between people, keeping notes and tabs the whole time. He would then secretly call the user’s parents. The youth pastor would then make the user show him and their parents the Myspace and ‘give an account’ of everything that was on there. He vigorously searched the web for all of us elsewhere too. Anything he found he would make copies of and keep a copy for himself and then secretly send another copy to the parents. The parents would then have to sign it saying they’ve seen it then send it back to him. The internet was closely monitored for any sign of us. Anything we put on the internet was spied and reported on. Absolutely nothing was private (nothing ever was, heh). Even though the youth pastor moved not too long ago I’m sure this monitoring wouldn’t stop with him.

This, along with them repetitively going through my private things such as clothes, books, journals, etc was part of what lead to my destruction. I’m still spied on and interrogated on a regular basis.

Whatever. They can do what they want, for now. Soon I’ll be out and they’ll learn I’m no one’s puppet. They can just kiss my ass then.

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